Eager homeless line up over night for Black Friday, hoping for great deals on food or water

I wrote this last year. It failed because CH.com isn’t Onion.com. And because it wasn’t funny, I suppose. Anyway, it’s relevant again and I like it so I’m re-posting it.

MICHIGAN – The beginning of the holiday season officially began today as Black Friday saw hundreds of poor and homeless civilians line up overnight at food shelters across the nation, in desperate hopes of acquiring a meal or evading the single digit temperatures that Thursday night would eventually plunder into.

In what is now an annual tradition, countless poverty-stricken civilians of all ages congregated at nearby shelters, missions, and convents, hoping to obtain some type of nourishment.

“Man, I’m just trying to get me a small meal or something to feed my family, man,” noted one man waiting in line at St. Dominic’s Missionary of Charity in Detroit at approximately 1:30 a.m.
“I just need a loaf of bread for Christ’s sake,” he pleaded to countless passersby.

“I got three kids, ya’ll,” a young mother loudly shouted to anyone who would listen.

Just north of Detroit in Flint, much of the same anticipation was taking place. A weary man in an undersized nylon coat, recent layoff Dominic Wilson, sat 150 yards from the entrance of a local Salvation Army.
“I’m just looking for a bed tonight. They say we won’t get in until sometime tomorrow morning and not to wait out in this nasty frost. But I don’t know where they expect us to go instead.”

Shelters and food shelves often experience a vast influx this time of year and are rarely able to meet all of its users demands.

“Geez, that really is a shame,” said Jonathan Goldman shaking his head when informed of the strife people endured in less developed areas of the state. Goldman, a 26 year-old substitute teacher, spoke from the Best Buy parking lot in Ann Arbor, Michigan where he and two friends set their 6-person tent up in hopes of snagging one of the few $899 42” High Definition TVs being offered at greatly reduced prices beginning at 5 a.m.

“At first I wasn’t going to come out. But after I ate all of that food with the fam, I decided it might be fun to take a shot at it,” explained Goldman.
“It’s really not even that bad; I bought this sweet sleeping bag the other day that’s pretty warm. Made of this tough Pertex® material and is filled completely with nice goose down.”

“I can’t feel my hands,” whispered Wilson, now but only 145 yards from the warm and bountiful doors of the Salvation Army.