January 2007
14 posts
Things I Am Not Familiar With, Due to the Fact...
Having the immune system of a 4 year-old AIDS ridden African child
Immediate hatred for anyone who utters the words “smoking ban”
Having my teeth be a shade of “urinal cake stain” gold
Smelling like a musty pile of foreskin
Not having any money, ever
Stage 4 lung cancer
Gateway drugs
Being cool
If I, Jake Klocksien, Replied to Dear Abby Letters
DEAR ABBY: Every year, my husband and brothers-in-law go deer hunting. They always meet at my house for the big hunt. Each year they get sloppier and messier. They leave bloody footprints and pieces of deer carcass through the house and their dirty, smelly clothes in a big pile in the kitchen. They also never wash a dish, plate or utensil they use.
Not only do they kill these creatures and drag...
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Oh, Humorous Portions of Conversation!
Emily: My lit professor and my presidency professor have been making a lot of Hitler jokes lately. Jake: Good, it’s the one person on earth you can say anything about and no one can stop you. Along with Ann Coulter… ZING! Emily: OH GOD I HATE THAT BITCH! I HOPE SHE PUNCTURES AN ORGAN WITH ONE OF HER OWN ELBOWS.
Jake: What kind of cool games can we play in the pool without needing any...
We Doin'.. Big Linkin'.. We Spendin' Cheese
Elk gets plastic chair stuck on head Hilarity/photographs ensue
Old lady beats a mountain lion I bet the husband will be grateful after his torn scalp makes a full recovery NJ warns: Don’t eat squirrels near dump I highly recommend reading this article with the following song playing:
“Iguana’s stubborn erection to get the chop” Poor little guy
Paris Hilton’s...
If Simon Cowell Were To Critique Historic...
American Idol judge, Simon Cowell, was quoted as saying he never liked Bob Dylan. “He bores me to tears,” the British critic said in an interview with Playboy magazine. Cowell was then asked about his various opinions on other musicians and he was not shy in sharing his views…
Elvis Presley – You think getting up and girating around on stage is the way to be a pop idol? You will never...
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New Orleans coach: ‘Chicago Bears don’t care about...
CHICAGO, Ill. — After suffering a 39-14 loss to the Chicago Bears on Sunday night, New Orleans Saints’ coach Sean Payton blamed an unusual scapegoat: racism.
“First the hurricane, and now this season ending loss? It’s just unbelievable,” Payton said while walking off Soldier Field following the loss. “I’m not sure how much more the people of New Orleans can take. There’s just nothing that...
Opening Lines, Pinky Probes, and L-Bombs
Opening Lines, Pinky Probes, and L-Bombs: The Girls & Sports Dating and Relationship Playbook
| BUY ON AMAZON | | GIRLS & SPORTS.COM |
Every so often (read: NEVER) I am contacted by an author who wants me to review their book on my site. Even though relationship books for the most part are garbage (wait— you’re telling me males and females differ??), I obviously reply with...
iRaq
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Evanescence Drunk Dials Hinder In The Middle Of...
Evanescence: HIIIIII!
Hinder: Hello? Who is this?
Evanescence: IT’S EVANESCENCE! WHATCHA DOIN’!
Hinder: Well, I was sleeping. It’s 3:15am. Honey, why you callin’ me so late?
Evanescence: I LOST MY CELL PHONE AND I WANTED YOU TO HELP— TO HELP ME FIND IT!
Hinder: What? You’re calling me from your cell phone right now; it’s not lost. And you’re actually sort of shouting pretty...
Don't Forget To Dream Extra Hard Tonight
First of all, check out my debut on Points In Case regarding relationships. Click the link. Like now. I’ll just wait here while you read it.
Alright, now wasn’t that hilarious? Thought so.
Now because I’m lazy and classes start up again tomorrow (oh em gee!), I’m posting these Youtube videos that my lovely roommate discovered. So thank her instead of me.
This toddler...
Florida Hockey Sucks
I recently went to a Florida Panthers game.
Basically, I went from Minnesota to Florida and then decided to celebrate my new 70 degree temperature change by going to a cold ass hockey arena and freezing my balls off. I’m silly.
I cared about neither team but just wanted to see Pittsburgh’s Sidney Crosby. For those not familiar with the National Hockey League (read: everyone),...
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A Conversation Between an Acoustic Guitar and an...
‘Sup sons? There be a new post on CollegeHumor about guitars talking to each other. I think the “Anthropomorphism” tag really has a lot of potential, which is why I’m stealing it to categorize posts on here even though I probably can’t pronounce it.
Electric Guitar: What’s up, Acoustic Guitar!!
Acoustic Guitar: Nothin’ much, bro.
Electric Guitar: Are...
Jakes On a Plane
So I’m in Florida as we speak. Which is pretty shitty if you hate constant sunny weather and 78 degrees.
Luckily, I don’t.
On the trip down, I saw maybe the most fabulous thing ever: an iPod vending machine. That’s right. Right next to the mountain dew and snickers, you are able to purchase a video iPod. One question: how fucking impulsive do you need to be to buy an iPod out...
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Oh, Humorous Portions of Conversation!
Lilly: I was going to call and leave you an 8 minute extended rendition of the Stevie Wonder classic, “I Just Called to Say I Love You” complete with improvised piano and jazz flute solos, but decided I better keep writing about media and black people. Apparently, we’ve really been stickin’ it to them for a while. Who knew? Jake: That would have made my life.
Jake: I was...