January 2006
14 posts
1 tag
An Open Letter To Axl Rose
Dear Axl, Glad to see ya again, buddy! What’s it been, 4 years? Man, it seems like just yesterday you were performing at the MTV Music Awards where you obesely stumbled around the stage singing your hit songs off of a teleprompter. Let me run that by you again… you needed to read the words to songs you wrote and sang every night for several years off of a television screen scolling...
Jan 22nd
The AristocRats
The only difference between these movies is one letter. Well that and the fact that one is an animated musical consisting of cats and the other is the dirtiest joke of all time told over and over by a ton of different standup comedians that isn’t rated to escape an NC-17. I cannot wait for the inevitable switch in video stores, resulting in a child sitting down to watch a Disney movie only...
Jan 21st
Fuck Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise gave Katie Holmes a DVD compilation of all of the movies he’s been in. For her birthday. I should just officially change this site to Reasons Tom Cruise Can Suck It. http://theobsessivemessenger.com/thenews/?p=119
Jan 20th
Fuck Andy Milonakis
I was thinking about trying to convey my hatred for that “little” (notice the use of quotations since he’s really like 46 years old) fatass Andy Milonakis. But this just sums up everything I’ve always wanted to say. www.punchpanda.com: Fuck Andy Milonakis
Jan 19th
Fake Wiki
If you don’t know what Wikipedia is, well then you’re just sheltered. And nobody likes sheltered people. Or is it nobody likes the homeless? Anyway, I found Encyclopedia Dramatica which is a parody of Wikipedia. So obviously I post it here so you can care about what I came across. Don’t worry though; it’s highlarious. Definitions: College Tom Cruise Jew Green Day James...
Jan 18th
Soul Mates
Eminem got remarried! This just backs up that old saying. Y’know… the saying that says writing a song with lyrics about slitting your wife’s throat and then naming the song whatever your wife’s name is just so no one is confused about who it is supposed to be about is a winning strategy in the long run. Talk about your awkward proposals though… [The scene starts...
Jan 16th
How To Make the World a Better Place in 06
Well 2005 is over and frankly, I don’t see too many changes besides my new calendar. While twelve months of adorable sea otters are just great, I think there could be a few steps taken to make this year the bestest year ever! And honestly, what better person to suggest these changes but me… Less Shitty Movies: There weren’t any two hour rapings like Gigli or From Justin to Kelly, but...
Jan 15th
We Are.... VR (©)
Am I the only one who thinks Velvet Revolver totally stole their logo from the old TV show VR Troopers (from the creators of Power Rangers)?? I smell lawsuits.
Jan 14th
See, Google Understands
You’re damn right I did, Google. You’re goddamn right. If you’re unaware as to why this thrills me so much, go back a few months.
Jan 13th
Benefits of Missing Fingers
This week I saw Quentin Tarantino’s new movie, Hostel, where one of the characters has a couple of fingers on each hand kindly removed via chainsaw and then still performs complicated tasks which I found impressive considering his whole fingerless situation. Which got me thinking… Areas in Life That I Would Benefit if I Were Missing Fingers Speed in which I’m able to give people the...
Jan 9th
CH Article
Where would you be if you were a new CollegeHumor article? If you said here, you were correct.
Jan 7th
iPirate
New iPod: $286 after tax Car FM transmitter: $86 Travel case: $25 Docking station with built-in stereo: $160 The majority of the actual music which fills up the iPod: Priceless. “There are some things money can’t buy; for everything else there’s Mastercard.” I realize fake Mastercard commercials stopped being funny roughly 4 years ago, especially when they fail to even...
Jan 6th
Send Jake to NYC&?
Airline tickets and hotels are expensive for New York City. But feel free to send me donations. Eh? Eh? Wouldn’t you like to provide me with O.A.R. & Matisyahu? Just send me a blank check and I’ll take care of the rest. Okay? Thanks.
Jan 4th
"I Don't Give a Baker's Fuck"
You can learn a lot about a movie just by looking at the credits. Here’s a few descriptions of different cast members from Wedding Crashers according to IMDB.com! Secret Service Agent Girl Who Cries Helicopter Pilot Girl Who Cries Tablecloth trick victim Italian wedding swing dancer Chinese Best Man Salsa dancer, Italian wedding Magic kid #1 Crying Woman Drunk Hooker...
Jan 3rd